


hold two fingers up to yesterday

by marknomin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Making Out, Mentions of past homophobia, Multi, Non-Linear Narrative, Nonbinary Character, jaesung if you squint reaaaally hard, jeno has a ton of piercings, jeno uses they/them pronouns, nonlinear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-12 11:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19945756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marknomin/pseuds/marknomin
Summary: Mark and Donghyuck always knew they were just going to admire Jeno, the guitarist of their favorite band, from afar. That is, until they win VIP tickets to one of the concerts, and maybe they end up catching Jeno's eye.(Or snapshots of Jeno, Mark and Donghyuck's life after a life-changing concert.)





	hold two fingers up to yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> just warning you guys! there is a scene where jeno talks about homophobia. if you guys are uncomfortable with this kind of content, please _skip_ the scene that starts with "It seems to be a recurring theme for Mark and Donghyuck to drop every single plan for Jeno." your health is a lot more important than a fic  
> anyways, i hope you enjoy this, this is kind of my baby jsjsk <33

“You’re going to be the death of me.” 

It’s practically a growl, one of pure desperation and some other emotion Jeno doesn’t bother to untangle and examine. They can’t, for the sake of their own heart.

“I hope it’s a good one.”

So they take the easy way out. Form some kind of flirty response that feels leaden on their tongue.

Mark’s lips crash against Jeno’s again, cupping the back of their neck gently but firmly. And Jeno can’t breathe but it feels so _right_ , being in Mark’s arms, and it feels so right it almost feels wrong. They can’t find anything to equate it to, because nothing can match the feeling of pure fireworks exploding in their chest.

And Mark slides his hand up, threads his fingers through the damaged strands of Jeno’s hair and _pulls_ , and Jeno ignites.

“God, you’re so—” Mark whimpers and rests his forehead against Jeno’s to break the kiss, clenching his fist in their hair. 

“I’m so what?” Jeno giggles, their breath coming out in gasps. Their hands run down Mark’s sides, and they delight in his trembles.

“Hot,” Mark says plainly, almost as if he was telling Jeno the time of day.

Jeno’s breath stutters again. Of all the words he could’ve said, they surely weren’t expecting that.

“What, were you not expecting that?” Mark raises an eyebrow, something akin to a smirk playing on his lips. “Because you are. You’re so hot, _irresistible_ even.”

Jeno can’t help but mirror Mark’s whimper from earlier.

“You’re so pretty,” Mark whispers, pressing his lips to the corner of theirs, and Jeno whimpers again, “so fucking pretty.” He moves to kiss the other corner of their lips as he tugs gently on their hair again, and Jeno holds their breath. “And I can’t believe you’re mine.”

Jeno just might cry.

Mark smiles softly, cupping their cheek with his free hand, a sparkle in his eyes that Jeno’s never seen before. “Can I kiss you again?”

Jeno only answers by tightening their hold on Mark’s hips and pressing their lips against his as hard as they can.

* * *

Mark has never squealed before.

At least, Donghyuck has never _heard_ Mark squeal, and he’s quite concerned when he hears Mark do it.

And so he does the most reasonable thing: cackle.

“What is wrong with you?” Donghyuck finally manages to get out, shaking his head as Mark finally pokes his head into the dorm room.

Mark giggles to himself as he whips out his phone from his pocket, practically _bouncing_ on his tiptoes. “Look here!”

“Look where?” Donghyuck says drily, glancing up at Mark’s sparkly eyes. “You’re shaking the phone too much, I literally _can’t see._ ”

“Oh.” Mark’s voice is small as he manages to (somewhat) still his hand long enough for Donghyuck to finally be able to read the letters in bold.

**Congratulations! You’ve won the VIP Tickets to King Of Hearts!**

“Holy shit.”

Mark’s still bouncing on his feet, and Donghyuck just tugs on Mark’s sweater sleeve to get him to actually sit down. “Guess what?”

“What?”

There’s a look of excitement in Mark’s eyes like no other, and Donghyuck can’t help but get lost in it. His lips quirk up in a wide grin as he holds his hand out for Donghyuck to take. And then he says it.

“I want you to come on a trip with me.”

If Donghyuck had a drink in his mouth, he’d be spitting it out right about now. 

“You _what?”_

“I want you to come on a trip with me! Just us, no one else.”

Donghyuck probably spends a whole minute trying to stammer through a sentence, and he’s only glad that Mark’s built up some semblance of patience to deal with him. 

“Not even Yangyang?” 

Mark snorts, rolling his eyes as if he thinks Donghyuck’s stupid for even considering asking the question. “I don’t want to hear Yangyang complaining about how stupid the songs sound, and I most _definitely_ don’t want to hear him trash the people right in front of the barricades. That’s stupid.”

Donghyuck shrugs, spinning in his swiveling chair. “So...how long, hypothetically, would this be?” He rests his chin in his hand, waiting patiently for an answer.

Mark hums in contemplation. “I was thinking until summer ends?” 

Donghyuck chokes on his spit, his eyes widening as he leans back in his chair. “That...seems doable. Let’s do it.”

Mark’s eyes somehow widen even more than they already had. “You really want to go on a trip? With _me?”_

Donghyuck hums noncommittally. “Yeah, but it’s mostly for the concert.” A teasing smirk plays on the corner of his lips, and Mark only groans.

“I’m kidding,” Donghyuck giggles, squeezing his hand. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I wouldn’t give up a chance to be with you for the world.”

Mark giggles when Donghyuck says it, and the latter’s sure he’ll never forget how it sounds.

* * *

Mark has only felt the burning feeling he could only equate jealousy to a few times.

The first time was when Donghyuck dated Wong Yukhei, better known as the best cheerleader the school had ever seen. Mark only knew of the feeling as unwelcome and ugly feeling in his gut at the time, and so he just pushed it away and forced a smile. All he knew was that he shouldn’t have been so relieved when Donghyuck and Yukhei had to break up.

The second time is...now.

He doesn’t know why he feels it, to be honest. He’s well aware that Jeno and Jaemin would never date each other. After all, Jaemin has fellow bandmate Jisung to hang off of and coddle with love and affection. But it still _burns_ like nothing else when he sees _that_.

 _That_ being Jeno with his arms wrapped around Jaemin’s waist, chin resting on his shoulder in the practice room.

“Min, babe,” Donghyuck murmurs in Mark’s ear. “Let go.”

“What?”

“Let go,” Donghyuck hisses. “You’re going to break my fucking hand.” 

Mark looks down at where their hands are intertwined and realizes just how white Donghyuck’s knuckles are, only letting out a meek _“oh.”_

Donghyuck just shakes his head, a cocky grin dancing on his lips. “Are you jealous?” 

His voice is all singsongy, and Mark can only grit his teeth. 

“Only a little,” Mark sighs. He shakes his head. “I shouldn’t be this jealous, should I?”

Donghyuck just shrugs nonchalantly. “You just want to hold him like he’s holding Jaemin. No big deal. I do too.” 

“You do?” Mark raises an eyebrow as he turns to Donghyuck, the latter just shrugging again.

“He’s cute. Can you blame me?”

Mark shakes his head again. “Nah. Not really.” He holds his palm up, watching as Jeno lets go and slings his guitar back over his shoulder.

“Real talk though?” Donghyuck’s voice is quiet, and if Mark wasn’t right next to him, he probably wouldn’t have heard. “I want to hold you like that too. Like, more often than I already do.”

“Yeah?” Mark smiles, eyes still trained on Jeno as he strums the beginning notes of Donghyuck’s favorite songs. “I wouldn’t mind that.”

A smile plays on Donghyuck’s lips, and his grip tightens on Mark’s hand. “I’ll cuddle you to sleep, that sound good?

“Sounds great.”

* * *

Jeno makes the decision to tell them after a movie night.

It’s comfortable; their legs are tangled in the bedsheets and Mark and Donghyuck both have them in some sort of a bear hug, and all Jeno can think about is finally telling them what’s been bothering them for ages.

But Jeno’s reduced to a bundle of nerves with the threat of explosion at the mere _thought_ of telling them. 

Something crackles in their chest as they look down at Mark and Donghyuck, who are both one step away from falling asleep, and they force a smile. Donghyuck smiles back lazily and rests his head on their chest and _Jeno has to tell them they have to tell them._

And so it’s a pretty impulsive decision when they actually open their mouth.

“Hey, um,” Jeno clears their throat. “I have something to...tell you.” The inflection in their voice makes the statement seem more of a question and Jeno can’t help but wince at themselves.

“Yeah?” Donghyuck shifts to a sitting position, likely so he can look Jeno in the eye. “You can tell us. Anything you need.”

Jeno laughs nervously, their gaze focused on the way Mark’s still hugging their waist. “Mark?”

Mark just smiles, and Jeno can only take it to mean that they should keep going.

Jeno squeezes their eyes shut for a second, trying their hardest to compose themselves before they open their mouth again.

“I’m nonbinary.”

It’s silent, and Jeno fights the urge to wince.

“What does that mean?” Mark asks, nothing but pure curiosity in his voice, and Jeno feels like melting.

“Um, it means that I don’t identify with a specific gender. And I use they, them, their instead of…” Jeno heaves a sigh. “Instead of he, him, his.”

The look of realization on both their faces is almost laughable.

“Is that the flag you had painted on your eyelids and stuff at Pride?” Mark’s voice is soft, and he almost looks on the verge of tears. “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry I—”

Jeno shakes their head quickly. “No, no, it’s okay. I promise.” They smile again, but it’s genuine this time. “You didn’t know.”

Donghyuck and Mark both hug them as tight as humanly possible. 

“So,” Donghyuck hums against their skin, Jeno shivering just the slightest bit. “Instead of boyfriend, should we call you our lover?”

Jeno almost completely freezes before they giggle and nod, and the tingly sensation they feel all over is incomparable.

* * *

The decision to go to Pride was made, admittedly, on impulse.

It was Mark’s idea, tentatively thrown out during one of their outings together, and Donghyuck and Jeno immediately latched onto the idea. And now, Mark was kind of shaking in his high-heeled boots.

Jeno and Donghyuck had also decided to go all out with their outfits. They both seemed to match with the boots, a suggestion Mark guesses was made in private. For one, Jeno switched out his normal face mask for an embroidered rainbow-colored one, and his eyeshadow was done in the colors of one of the flags (Mark feels bad for not recognizing exactly which one it is). For another, Donghyuck’s got his hair gelled up rather than hanging over his forehead and—did he get hair chalk in the colors of a rainbow?

It almost makes Mark feel underdressed in his cropped shirt and high-heeled boots.

He only feels even _more_ underdressed when he sees the actual parade. Everyone’s so... _flamboyant_ , and here’s Mark in his ensemble he’d stolen from Jeno.

But, then again, that was who Mark always was. The one who stood out by doing nothing.

“Are you going to go dance?” Jeno asks, cocking his head the slightest bit. A smile plays on his lips and Mark’s falling even harder.

“If you are, kind sir,” Mark hums, an eyebrow raised just so. 

(Maybe if he looks again, he’ll notice Jeno’s wince.)

Jeno holds his hand out expectantly, an eyebrow raised. “You ready, babe?”

And maybe Mark’s heart threatens to beat out of his chest.

“More than ready, Jen.” He runs a hand through his hair and reaches for Jeno’s with his other hand, squeezing it gently. “Let’s go.”

“Wait a second, loverboy.” Jeno uses the hand that’s intertwined with Mark’s to brush the hair out of Mark’s eyes. “Let’s wait for Hyuck, okay?”

“Sounds good to me.” 

He hates how he sounds almost breathless.

Jeno chuckles, his eyes twinkling as he looks over at all the rainbow-decorated tables. “You want punch?”

Mark only shakes his head, his eyes fixed on the way Jeno’s eyes crinkle as he so obviously smiles. And once again, he’s captivated in the things he cannot have.

Or the _person_ he cannot have.

“You’re staring again.”

It’s Donghyuck, back from who-knows-where, and Mark practically jumps out of his skin when he hears him.

“That’s rich,” Mark snorts, whirling around to face Hyuck, “especially coming from you.” He raises an eyebrow, silently waiting until a look of understanding flashes on Donghyuck’s face.

“At least I keep it subtle, loverboy.” Donghyuck winks, glancing at Jeno when he calls his name, and waves at Mark, who stands there confusedly for a good ten seconds. 

It takes someone running into him from behind to get Mark to keep following his “loverboys” again.

* * *

It seems to be a recurring theme for Mark and Donghyuck to drop every single plan for Jeno.

Even if it means standing under the blazing sun, sweating their asses off for a stupid interview that neither King of Hearts nor Mark and Donghyuck cared for.

It’s a relatively big crowd, almost as big as some of the concerts Jeno and their group has held, and everyone’s bumping into each other trying to hear what the group is trying to say. And as a result, it feels like an elephant is pressing on Mark’s chest.

Donghyuck turns his head to face Mark, leaning in close to whisper in his ear. “Is it just me or do you feel like something bad is going to happen?”

Mark laughs mirthlessly. “In crowds like these, it’s bound to happen.”

An odd look crosses over Donghyuck’s face.

Mark only exhales as he pats at his forehead with a handkerchief, trying desperately to somehow relieve himself of the sticky feeling he feels _everywhere_. He looks up at the sky, where the sun beats down relentlessly, and takes a few deep breaths. There’s no way he can have a panic attack in the middle of the crowd, especially when there seems to be no exit anywhere he can see.

Luckily for him, Donghyuck reaches a hand out for Mark to hold, and the only thought that flashes through Mark’s head is _safety blanket._

Mark manages to finally focus on the interview, where Jisung’s actually _smiling_ as he answers one of the questions, and Mark can only guess that it was a question about Jaemin. He smiles fondly as Jisung glances over at Jaemin, who has an encouraging grin on his face.

But then Donghyuck whacks Mark’s arm _hard._

Mark hisses, raising an eyebrow as Donghyuck points to the interviewer.

And Mark sees it.

“Jeno,” the interviewer drawls, “you’ve been under the public eye for the past few years now and you’ve never really told any of us about your life.”

The way Jeno’s face falls will be imprinted in Mark’s memory forever.

The whole group laughs nervously, and Jeno only stares blankly at the interviewer. “What do you want me to say?”

The interviewer only hums, shifting in her spot. “Tell us about your life! What was the most interesting thing that happened to you as a little boy?”

Mark and Jeno almost seem to cringe at the same time.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” Renjun says, steel in his voice like nothing Mark or Donghyuck have ever heard, “maybe you should consider that some people want to keep their private life and their public life separate.”

The interviewer laughs, but it’s fake, grating like nails on a chalkboard. “I’m aware, Renjun, but he’s said practically nothing about his home life at all. We know practically nothing about him when he was a child, but we know about everyone else. Don’t you think that’s a little unfair?”

“How is it _unfair?”_ Renjun seethes, and Jeno has to hold his sleeve to keep him back. “Jeno just doesn’t want to talk about it, and maybe you should respect that!”

There’s a pained look on Jeno’s that Mark only wishes he could kiss away.

The interviewer only smiles again and turns to Chenle. “Have you heard anything about his childhood?”

Chenle looks so apprehensive it literally hurts, and Mark can practically see Jeno snap before they actually do.

“Shut up!” Jeno practically screams. And it’s dead silent. The air seems electric now—not the comforting kind, but the kind that could electrocute.

“Excuse me?” The interviewer raises her eyebrow, and Mark can feel his stomach drop. 

“I said shut up! This is incredibly unprofessional.” Jeno laughs but it’s so _bitter,_ so unlike them that it feels like an arrow to Mark’s heart. “I can’t believe you actually think it’s okay to pull this kind of bullshit.”

Even the rest of King of Hearts look absolutely shocked.

“Also?” Jeno looks absolutely furious, and Mark can only stare helplessly at Donghyuck. “It’s they, them, their. Not he. Can you get that through your thick ass skull? Or are your two little brain cells working too hard to find ways to make us uncomfortable?”

Jeno’s voice is starting to waver, and it’s the only sign to Mark that they’re _scared_ beyond their wits. And after the interviewer’s lips part and remind Mark of a fish, Jeno continues.

“You want to know about my home life? Fine.” Jeno throws their hands up into the air in what seems like defeat. “I’ll tell you about my fucking home life.”

Renjun’s eyes visibly widen and he turns to face Jeno, shaking his head violently, but it’s easy to tell that Jeno can’t be stopped now, not even by their best friends.

“Imagine a nice little log house that you built. You pour your love into it for God knows how long, maybe sixteen? Seventeen years? You keep trying to perfect it. Make it the most beautiful log house anyone’s ever _fucking_ seen.” There’s a light in Jeno’s eyes that screams _dangerous,_ and Mark would be lying if he says he’s not concerned.

“Then imagine someone throwing a baseball and completely knocking it down.” Jeno’s speaking through their teeth now, and they look one step away from tears. “That’s what my parents did to me.”

Mark looks at Donghyuck, worry clear on his face, and Donghyuck can only shrug.

“They were some of the best parents, you know?” Jeno forces a smile, but it doesn’t reach their eyes, not even close. “I trusted them. They did all they could to give me the best childhood I could possibly have. But the _second_ I tell them I’m bisexual, they turn their back on me. They pretend the last sixteen years of my life meant nothing, and they acted like I wasn’t their fucking child that they birthed. They dealt with me until my birthday and then they kicked me out.”

Jeno grips the chair they’re sitting in until their knuckles are white before they take a deep breath and say, “So that’s why I never talk about my childhood. Because it hurts. So I hope you’re fucking happy, ma’am.” 

They tug at the dangly earring before rising to their feet, a sudden cold expression washing over their face as they walked off stage, and something akin to the feeling of ice water rushes down Mark’s spine.

“We need to text them.” 

Mark doesn’t even realize the words are spilling out of his mouth before Donghyuck’s nodding furiously, hand already holding his phone as tightly as humanly possible.

Mark fixes his gaze on Donghyuck’s screen until Donghyuck only sighs loudly. “They’re only reading my messages.”

“Call them then.”

And call them Donghyuck does.

Donghyuck presses the speaker button, taking a deep breath before he says Jeno’s name as softly as possible.

Jeno only sighs before mumbling, “What the fuck do you want?”

Donghyuck’s already yanked Mark into the edge of the crowd, and he hasn’t let go of the latter’s hand. “Can we do anything, baby?”

There’s that acrid laugh again, and Mark can’t help but wince. 

“Come over.” It’s a grunt, something oddly nonchalant considering what they just did. “And bring tequila. A bottle or two.”

Donghyuck hesitates, clears his throat before he sighs. “Whatever you need, Jen. See you in a bit.”

And with that, the dial tone rings.

* * *

“Jeno, love?” 

Jeno’s eyes snap up to meet Donghyuck’s, and their brows furrow as they sling the guitar off their shoulder. “What’s wrong? You look concerned.”

Donghyuck hums. “Not necessarily. I just want to know something.”

Jeno’s stomach drops.

“What do you want to know?” Their voice is quiet, and they desperately hope Donghyuck can’t tell that their voice is wavering just the slightest bit.

“We’ve told you almost everything about our childhood and stuff…” Donghyuck trails off, and he looks lost in thought for a second. “Why haven’t you told us about yourself?”

Jeno’s _very_ confused now.

“But I have told you about me. You probably know more than some of my friends from back in high school and...stuff.” Jeno scratches the back of their neck jerkily and sighs quietly. They know that’s not the answer Donghyuck wants, but they can’t bring themselves to dump anything. Not now, at least.

“Yeah, but we only know things about your personality. We don’t know things about your family or anything, you know?”

Jeno freezes. Head to toe. 

They’re numb.

“Jen? Baby, are you okay?” Donghyuck leans in so Jeno would have to meet his eyes, and Jeno feels sick to their stomach.

It feels like there’s cotton in their mouth when Jeno finally replies with “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You’re turning pale.” 

Jeno’s eyes flit to the mirror to the left of them, and they are, in fact, paler than they normally are. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just,” Jeno sighs loudly, dropping their gaze to the floor. “It’s a touchy subject, if you will. I’m not a huge fan of talking about it. It was bad, you know?” 

Something’s pressing on their chest. It hurts. _Bad._

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry,” Donghyuck breathes, tentatively holding out a hand for Jeno to hold, and the latter takes it lightly. “I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories or anything.”

“It’s okay,” Jeno laughs, but it’s breathy. “You didn’t mean to. It’s just that I’d rather tell you both at the same time.” They run a hand through their hair, taking another shaky breath as they gauge Donghyuck’s reaction.

“I understand, love. I really do.” Donghyuck smiles, but it’s a sad one, and Jeno can’t help but feel their stomach churn again.

“I, um,” Jeno clears their throat, their voice softer now. “I have to go, I’m sorry.” Their eyes are misty and they struggle to catch their breath again.

“Take your time, love.” Donghyuck kisses their cheek before he lets go of Jeno’s hand, and they struggle not to run out of the practice room.

(Jeno never checks the time, but they’re pretty sure they spend at least an hour in the bathroom crying until they physically can’t anymore.)

* * *

Jeno’s mind always gets hazy after practice as they come down from the adrenaline high they always get. And it gets especially hazy when Mark practically _purrs_ a “we missed you” the second Jeno walks in the door.

Jeno tries his best to swallow against the lump in their throat as they tentatively walk closer to the two. “You missed me?”

Donghyuck nods, no sign of hesitation on his face. “We did. Missed your lips, too.”

Jeno rolls their eyes, but a smirk plays on their lips all the same. “Just my lips?”

“Maybe more than that,” Mark cuts in, running his hand through his hair in a way that renders Jeno unable to take their eyes off. “But for now we just really want to kiss you.”

Jeno can’t help but grin their toothy grin. “Then kiss me.”

And so Mark does.

It’s a blur, how it starts. One second they’re too far away to even touch; the next, Jeno’s hands roam Mark’s skin desperately as Mark bites their bottom lip. There’s something desperate about the kiss, something that Jeno’s only felt once or twice, but they really can’t say they hate it. 

Mark slides his hands down Jeno’s ribs, grinning against their lips when he hears the whimper Jeno elicits. 

“Pretty.”

It’s a coo, one Jeno was not prepared for whatsoever, and Jeno can’t hold back his high-pitched whine. And Mark takes this as an advantage to deepen the kiss and _oh God Jeno’s drowning._

If someone ever asks Jeno what bliss is, they’d want to talk about this. The feeling of knowing that either Mark or Donghyuck (or both) could become putty under their hands, the feeling of knowing that Mark and Donghyuck knew just how to make them feel better without realizing it, the feeling of _liking_ people so much they felt like their chest was going to explode. 

But they couldn’t say _anything_ about it, not without being scorned by the management, not without possibly being scorned by _homophobes_ within or outside of their fan base, not without backlash. And it hurt. But not as much as it would to lose Mark and Donghyuck.

“Fuck, I—“ Mark takes a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “Jeno, I really want to leave marks.”

A smile slowly plays on Jeno’s lips as they whisper, “Do it.”

Mark’s eyes widen, and Jeno swears they can see the galaxy. “But what about the stylists?”

Jeno giggles, running a hand through Mark’s hair before gripping it tightly. “Fuck them. They’ll find a way.”

“I shouldn’t be enabling this,” Mark giggles, gaze trained on Jeno’s lips.

“Maybe,” Jeno hums. “But you are, and that’s what matters.”

And, with yet another giggle, Mark cups the back of their neck and pulls them in for the second of many more kisses, until Jeno’s submerged in emotions and feelings of never wanting to leave.

(The stylists are, needless to say, very disappointed when they see Jeno walk in with roughly a dozen hickeys on their neck alone.)

* * *

Jeno’s always loved the stars. It was only fitting that they asked Mark and Donghyuck to come along with them to stargaze.

Admittedly, the first few minutes were quite awkward. Everyone seemed stiff and off and _not_ like how Jeno always thinks of them as, and it almost worries them.

It’s only after a few sips of lemonade, nothing alcoholic because Mark couldn’t stand it, that they, Mark, and Donghyuck finally seem to relax from the tension that seems to be occupying their bodies, and after that they seem to mesh together like one. Jeno’s legs are in Donghyuck’s lap, Donghyuck’s head is on Mark’s shoulder, and that’s how it _is,_ and that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Jeno leans back on their elbows, heaving a sigh. “This is the life.”

“Yeah?” Mark throws back the last swig of lemonade before placing the can down in front of Jeno. “You like being under the stars?”

“I mean,” Jeno shrugs. “Who doesn’t? But I was mostly referring to the fact that, like, there’s nothing to worry about, you know?”

Donghyuck shifts his position on Mark’s shoulder to face Jeno better. “What do you mean?”

Jeno sighs, tugging absentmindedly on their dangly earring. “Well, being in a band isn’t necessarily a walk in the park.”

The other two seem genuinely invested in what Jeno has to say, and the latter only raises their eyebrows, taking in the sound of cicadas chirping as they open their mouth to keep talking.

“There’s...a lot of stress in the job, I guess. More than people like to admit.” Jeno pinches the bridge of their nose, and is it just them or had it gotten five degrees hotter?

“In what sense?” Mark’s leaned back on his elbows now, Donghyuck on Mark’s chest, and Jeno can’t help but note how domestic it looks.

“In every way,” Jeno sighs again, picking at their fingernails so they’d have _something_ to do. “It’s suffocating, sometimes. Knowing the majority of your life is being scrutinized?” They scoff mirthlessly, shaking their head. 

Mark looks deep in thought, only nodding his head to acknowledge Jeno’s words, while Donghyuck’s lips seem parted in what Jeno hopes isn’t pity.

“You lose yourself,” Jeno says softly, digging their nails into the flesh of their palm. “You lose yourself to the flashing lights, to the new reality. You lose yourself to your own mind, even. Kinda sucks.”

There’s silence, something heavy in the air that they don’t like, and Jeno can’t help but worry that they went too far. And so they just take a deep breath, wait for one of them to say _something,_ to break the tension that shouldn’t have settled in the first place.

“Has it happened to you?”

“What?” Jeno raises an eyebrow. “The whole losing yourself thing?” They heave yet another sigh, looking up at the trees overhead as they try to find a suitable answer.

“I’m not sure,” Jeno mumbles. “I was young when I first got on the road, you know? Like, really young.” They mess with their fingernails again, if only to have something to do with their hands. “I guess I would’ve changed with or without the road, you know?”

Mark shifts again and shrugs. “You’re right, I guess. But yeah, there’s...there’s a lot we don’t pay attention to.”

Jeno can only chuckle mirthlessly, not being discreet about the way they stare directly at Mark’s lips. No one talks for a while--at least, if they do, Jeno doesn’t notice—and they just _think._

More specifically, they think about Mark and Donghyuck. And _feelings._ The feelings Jeno usually tries to fight or push down. The feelings Jeno’s started to hit headfirst.

And the feelings Jeno never wants to let go of.

It hits them like a truck then.

They don’t want to let go of these feelings because they’re in _love._

Well shit. That makes things a whole lot more complicated.

* * *

Jeno decides to finally ask Mark and Donghyuck to be their boyfriends after the second show.

They don’t necessarily know what compels them to do it right at that instant, but they’re not going to complain. After all, they’ve only been falling harder with every glance they catch of both Mark and Donghyuck. They often fixate on the way Donghyuck’s laugh seems to light up the world around them, on the way Mark’s smile can immediately send butterflies to their stomach, on the way Mark and Donghyuck make the world seem more bearable.

And they fixate on the way they keep dreaming about holding Mark and Donghyuck’s hands alike.

Jeno practically runs off after the show is over, texting the group chat with a frantic _“come to the back entrance, i want to talk to you”_ with seven heart emojis that they realize belatedly are pretty threatening, and they fight to keep their breathing in check.

“Hey,” Donghyuck murmurs softly, jolting Jeno out of their mini-trance. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Oh. Um, hi, that was fast,” Jeno laughs quietly, scratching the back of their neck. “Where’s Mark?”

“Here, hi,” Mark coughs, giving Jeno a subtle wave. “This is pretty romantic, isn’t it? We’re under the stars or whatever. Cute shit.”

Jeno’s _very_ glad it’s dark outside.

“I try,” Jeno mumbles. “Sometimes.”

Donghyuck’s eyebrows raise. “You wanted this to be romantic?” There’s a lilt in voice that Jeno’s mind wants to equate to hopefulness, but they try to think nothing of it.

“In a way, yeah,” Jeno says softly. “I had something I wanted to tell you.”

“Yeah, we gathered that,” Mark snorts, and Donghyuck has to nudge the older before Mark mumbles a sorry under his breath. Jeno just giggles in response.

“I just…” Jeno takes a deep breath, tries to force themselves to speak slower than their brain wants them to. “I know this is cheesy, but the second I saw you two, all I could think was, _fuck, these boys are cute.”_ They pause, trying to discern their faces from the navy blue darkness to see if they aren’t looking at Jeno in disgust.

“I was worried that,” Jeno’s voice trails off as their breath wavers again, and they stop for a second. “You wouldn’t think of me the same. And so that’s why I’ve been putting this off? But I guess it’s best to just tell you now.”

They hold their breath and count. 

One, two, three.

“I want you guys to be my boyfriends.”

Silence. Jeno doesn’t like it, but luckily, Donghyuck breaks it.

“Boyfriends? All of us?”

“Yeah,” Jeno breathes out. “Like polyamory, that kind of thing. But one where we all date each other. I know, I know, it’ll probably be really difficult because I’m so busy all of the time with King of Hearts and it’s okay if you say no but—”

“Hey, Jen?” Mark’s gentle, and it reminds Jeno to keep breathing. “I’m just speaking for myself right now but...I’d love that more than you think. Really.”

Jeno’s eyes widen.

Donghyuck grins, pushing a hand through his silvery hair. “Me too. After all, I’ve been crushing on Mark for who knows how long.” He giggles, and somehow it feels like fifteen tons are lifted off Jeno’s chest. “And I guess I’ve started to take a liking to you too.”

Oh fuck. Jeno can’t stop smiling.

“So does this mean…” Their voice trails off as they wait for one of the others to fill in the blank.

Mark nods fervently. “Yes, Jeno. We’d love to be your boyfriends. What was it again? ‘Polyamory, that kind of thing?’” 

Jeno doesn’t know if it’s because of nerves or what, but they literally can’t stop laughing, and then Mark and Donghyuck join in, and that’s how they know that there’s nothing in the world that can possibly take them down.

Not them, and not their boyfriends. The world won’t stand a chance.

* * *

“Hyuck?”

Mark shakes Donghyuck’s shoulder aggressively, choosing to pointedly ignore the alarm clock’s glaring red display that reads _2:32 AM._ He feels guilty for even thinking about trying to wake Donghyuck at this hour, but he has no other choice, especially if he doesn’t want to overthink.

“Hyuck,” Mark hisses, contemplating if it’s smart to slap him awake. “Wake the fuck up, I swear to fuck—”

Donghyuck groans, rolling over on his back. 

“Mark, what the hell?”

Mark just sheepishly smiles. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Donghyuck’s expression immediately softens. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I could’ve stayed up with you or something, or maybe—”

“I didn’t want to bother you,” Mark whispers. “I just couldn’t stop thinking about Jeno. And...” He takes a deep breath and buries his face in his hands. “And you.”

The bed creaks as Donghyuck rolls over to face Mark. “What do you mean, love?” 

Mark tries not to shiver at the term.

“This, um, this sounds weird but I just couldn’t stop thinking about like, these scenes?” He makes the statement sound like a question, and he hates it.

“I’m listening,” Donghyuck says softly, leaning over Mark to turn on the bedside lamp. 

“Just…” Mark takes a deep breath and squeezes his eyes. “I might regret this later but please, can you kiss me like you used to?”

Mark peeks through one eye to see Donghyuck’s eyes widen.

“Can I _what?”_ It’s not accusing, but more of a legitimate question, as if he hadn’t just heard Mark’s question.

“Can you kiss me like you used to?” Mark has to fight not to let his voice waver. “I need to get out of my head, you know.”

“Mark, how the _fuck_ is kissing supposed to get you out of your head?” The light cast on Donghyuck’s face makes him look ethereal, and Mark can’t help but stare.

“I won’t have to think,” Mark says coolly. “So kiss me.” 

Donghyuck’s still hesitant as he clutches Mark’s shirt, and the latter’s breathing picks up. “Are you sure this is the right thing to do?”

“It doesn’t matter.” 

And with that, Donghyuck draws Mark to his chest and kisses him hard.

It’s not desperate like Mark was expecting. In fact, it’s something more sweet, saccharine almost, laying leaden on his tongue. But despite it all, Mark still loves it, and Mark’s still drowning in his own thoughts but it’s okay, because the fire in his chest is tamed, if only for a bit.

All he can wish for is that it becomes a recurring thing.

* * *

“Best friend?” 

Jeno’s literally wheezing from laughter, and Donghyuck can’t help but be a little bit concerned.

“What are you talking about?” Mark raises an eyebrow, swinging his legs off Donghyuck’s lap. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Jeno giggles, spinning the computer around so Mark and Donghyuck can see the screen. “Look at this stupid article.” 

Donghyuck looks up at Jeno, realizing faintly that if he had seen this earlier, he’d probably be shocked by how _off-looking_ the smile on Jeno’s face looked with their whole piercing get-up. Now, he can only chuckle and smile too; Jeno’s smile is always quite contagious.

He looks back down to the computer, almost snorting at the weird pink text at the top.

“‘King of Hearts guitarist Lee Jeno seen having a date with his best friends?’” Donghyuck chortles, shaking his head. “What kind of headline is this?” 

Mark giggles, his head dropping onto Donghyuck’s shoulder. “It gets worse, too, look. ‘Jeno’s having a nice picnic date under the stars with...their...best friends. This seems like such a romantic thing! I wonder if _they’d_ do this with _their_ partner—”

“Bitch!” Jeno almost shrieks, and everyone bursts out laughing. “You _are_ my partners!” 

“Yeah, Jen,” Donghyuck drawls, running his fingers through Mark’s hair. “We’re well aware. Now come kiss us so we know.”

“You’re evil,” Jeno chuckles, but they almost immediately slide their hand down Donghyuck’s cheek to cup his jaw.

“You like it!” Donghyuck’s bottom lip juts in a pout, and it only intensifies when Jeno chuckles, strokes his cheek with their thumb.

“Nah,” Jeno chuckles, and the syllable’s almost a purr. “I _love_ it.”

And maybe Donghyuck whimpers when Jeno finally, _finally_ captures his lips in a kiss. 

It’s something desperate, something Donghyuck isn’t really used to. After all, the only kisses he’s had are the kind that remind one of the beach, of swinging legs in the shallow waters beneath, of saltwater on the tongue. This kiss is the kind that reminds one of bonfires, of the desperate need to get closer, of how if one got closer, they’d get burned.

But maybe that’s what Donghyuck craves.

Jeno sets themselves in Donghyuck’s lap, straddling him like it’s nothing, and their grip tightens as Donghyuck whimpers pitifully. Jeno can only grin against his lips. 

“Do best friends do this?” Donghyuck can feel Jeno blinking against his skin, and it only causes him to blush.

So he just answers with a “Do they?” before Jeno kisses him again, gripping his shoulder with their free hand. 

Donghyuck falls back against the couch, gasping into the kiss as Mark presses his lips against his neck, and oh _God_ he’s actually melting. 

Jeno tastes faintly of vanilla, and Donghyuck can’t get enough. He sinks his teeth into Jeno’s plush bottom lip and delights in their pitchy whimper as he arches his back off the couch. 

“Nah,” Jeno tries to say, “I don’t think so.” 

(That night, Donghyuck falls asleep with the feeling of warmth all around him, and he realizes what the true meaning of home is.) 

* * *

The first time Jeno comes out to someone other than their family, it’s partially by accident.

It happens when they’re cleaning up the tour bus, a job that Jisung should’ve done ages ago but forgotten. They don’t even know what Jisung’s doing that _stops_ him from cleaning up right about now, but they won’t really complain. It gives them something to do instead of overthinking or wasting their time daydreaming about what a relationship with Mark and Donghyuck would be like.

It’s when they finally look down at their pile of dirty clothes that they see the _sign._

The sign being something that looks oddly like a bra.

“Who the _fuck_ fucked someone within a week of us being here?” Jeno pushes the hand that’s not holding the bra-like thing through their hair. Their brows furrow as they examine it, and lo and behold, Jisung arrives.

“Jeno,” Jisung locks eyes with Jeno, holding his arm out. “It’s mine. But not in the way you’re thinking.” His voice is wavering, his eyes wide with something like apprehension. “I didn’t...do anything with anyone.”

Jeno furrows their brow, a feeling of possible realization washing over them. “Is this—”

“It’s not a bra, Jeno.” Jisung’s voice is shakier than ever. “It’s a binder.”

Realization _actually_ washes over Jeno this time.

“Does this mean…” Jeno’s voice trails off as they let Jisung answer the unspoken question, an eyebrow raised. 

Jisung shrugs, his nonchalance contradicting his nervous air about him. “I’m...trans, Jen. I hope you’ll still accept me.” He looks terrified for his life, and Jeno feels a pang in their chest.

“Jisung,” they whisper in a breath, “of course I’ll accept you. It would be slightly unfair if someone…” 

They have two seconds to make a decision. And so they push down their worries and just say it.

“It would be slightly unfair if people from the same community didn’t accept each other, huh?”

Jisung’s eyes widen. “You...you’re trans?”

“Technically.” Their voice is soft. “I’m nonbinary. They/them pronouns. I hope you’ll accept me too.” Their eyes flit to a speck of dust on the floor; they can’t bear watching an expression fade into disapproval. 

“Hey, Jen,” Jisung’s voice is gentler than Jeno’s ever heard it, and it prompts them to lift their gaze. “It’s okay. Of course I’ll support you. After all, it would be slightly unfair if people of the same community didn’t accept each other, right?” A smile cracks on his lips as he repeats the words Jeno had just said, and the latter can’t help but smile too.

“Thank you,” Jeno whispers, their voice thick from unshed tears.

Jisung just holds his arms out, a silent question for a hug, and Jeno practically falls into them, burying their face in his chest. 

It’s silent for a bit, the air in the bus stale and smelling faintly of dirty socks, music blaring quietly behind a closed door, when Jisung takes a deep breath. “You know you have to tell everyone, right? Mark and Donghyuck too.”

“Eventually,” Jeno sighs, breathing in the smell of the fabric softener Jisung always liked to use. And it’s true, they are planning on it...they just don’t know when.

“The right time will come, bub.” Jisung cards his fingers through their hair, a smile heard in his voice.

“I know.”

* * *

Mark probably shouldn’t have started a conversation about staying with Jeno, especially not in the practice room bathrooms.

Especially not if he didn’t want a fight.

He realizes this halfway through a fight.

“How can you _say_ that?” Donghyuck spits. “Do you not have faith in us?” He’s almost absolutely still, as if he’s holding his ground, but his eyes glisten too much for Mark to believe he’s unfazed.

“I’m just trying to be realistic,” Mark says softly, his breath shaky as he locks eyes with Donghyuck again. “Is there something wrong with that?”

Donghyuck laughs, but Mark _knows_ it’s one of his most ingenuine laughs and he can’t stand it. “You know there’s such thing as long distance relationships, right?”

“Yeah, I _know,_ Hyuck,” Mark scoffs, shaking his head disappointedly. “But do you really think it’ll work? With their schedule? With them being on the road all the time? With them never being able to call us and with us always being together? Something’s going to fall apart sooner or later, Donghyuck. You have to admit it to yourself.”

Donghyuck’s jaw drops slightly as his brows knit in what Mark presumes to be fury. “I really can’t believe you, Min. You know Jeno loves us. Hell, _you love Jeno!_ How can you give up on them just like that when you haven’t given them a chance?”

Mark shakes his head again. “Because I know how this kind of shit goes. You think it’ll work out, and then it slowly starts dissolving just like that before your very eyes. I don’t _want_ that, Hyuck. It’s better to just not try.”

“Then either way it’s a fucking lose-lose situation,” Donghyuck groans. “I don’t know what you want here, but I’m leaving until you can get your head on straight. And now’s not the time for a fucking gay joke.”

Mark just watches as Donghyuck steps out of the public bathroom, and maybe if he followed, he’d notice that Jeno’s been sitting there as silent tears roll down their face.

But instead, he leans against a stall wall and takes deep breaths, giving just enough time for Jeno to evade any conflict at all.

* * *

Meeting someone right after a concert is quite an experience.

 _Especially,_ Donghyuck noticed, if it’s the person that was the star of the concert itself.

One of the security guards pulls both Mark and Donghyuck out of the pit almost immediately after everyone started leaving, and it’s a rush like Donghyuck’s never felt before.

(That is, except for the one time Donghyuck had almost singlehandedly got his team all the way to the finals in one of the biggest lacrosse championships.)

Donghyuck looks Mark straight in the eyes, watching as Mark’s entire face lights up.

“We’re actually here, Hyuck. This is actually happening.” His voice is laced in something like disbelief, and Donghyuck only reaches his hand out for Mark to hold, and the latter takes it gratefully.

“This is really happening.”

Donghyuck tries his hardest not to bounce up and down as the guard walks them into the backstage area. It’s rather cozy, he finds, and there’s couches almost everywhere. His feet almost instinctively hurt—after all, he’s been standing for the better part of three hours—but he just glances at Mark, sees how excited he looks, and grits his teeth against the discomfort.

Similarly to when Mark told him about the VIP tickets in the first place, Donghyuck chokes on his spit when he sees the members in person.

Something about them is different in real life compared to photos. There’s a glow on their skin that can’t be translated to the camera. There’s a light in their eyes that doesn’t sparkle the same when captured by a lens. There’s just a beauty about them that cameras could never convey, and Donghyuck loves it.

He has to admit, though, he’s particularly stunned by Jeno.

Donghyuck and Mark alike have both always been particularly drawn to Jeno. The way he gave no fucks and wore whatever he wanted to wear. The way he spread love and fought for the causes he supported. The way he looked awfully _ethereal_ in cropped tees, fishnets or skirts—or even all of the above at once like now.

And even still, Jeno’s even more stunning in real life.

While his hair does look a little more damaged, his eyes shine like precious stones, and the multiple earrings in both ears somehow accentuate his beauty in ways Donghyuck didn’t even realize were possible. The skirt Jeno had on manages to accentuate his hips rather tastefully, and Donghyuck can’t take his eyes off.

Jeno was beautiful in an angelic sense, and meeting him up close only confirms it.

Mark clears his throat and smiles gently. “It’s nice to meet you all. We’ve both admired you for a long time. Like, possibly your covers. That far.” He scratches his neck with the hand that’s not holding Donghyuck’s, and the latter smiles amusedly.

Jaemin raises his eyebrows, a look of approval in his eyes. “That’s a pretty damn long time. Thank you for supporting us.” He chuckles lowly, glancing over at Jeno with a smirk on his lips.

“Of course!” Donghyuck chirps, trying not to read into the _look_ Jeno’s giving right now. “Thank you for everything you’ve done to help us and many others.” 

“You really think we’ve helped people?” Jeno’s eyes somehow light up even more and Donghyuck’s heart is starting to go _crack crack._

“No, Mr. Jeno,” Mark shakes his head, and Donghyuck tries not to cringe at the formality. “I know you’ve helped people.”

Jeno’s eyes crinkle up as he breaks out into possibly the biggest grin either Donghyuck or Mark have ever seen. “You don’t know how happy that makes me.”

And somehow, they all lose themselves in conversation, simple back-and-forth that makes Donghyuck’s heart flutter like nothing else, and the security guards almost literally have to drag Mark and Donghyuck out.

( _And_ it surprises both Mark and Donghyuck when Jeno writes his number in Sharpie on their hands, winks and says “Text me later.” But are they really going to complain?)

* * *

Jeno is exhausted, to say the least.

It’s the kind of exhaustion that settles in your bones even after a restful night, the kind carried in your eyes that you have to lie about whenever anyone asks. It’s the kind of exhaustion that’s difficult to pass off as nothing, but that’s exactly what Jeno has to do anyways.

They grip the microphone with both hands, a single hand being too unsteady to hold onto it even with the stand. They look at the sea of phone lights with a thrumming heartbeat, their breathing wavering as they lean in.

“Thank you guys for coming to the last concert of our tour!” Jeno’s grip tightens and they smile with unfiltered pride as they hear the cheers. “We’re really sorry that we have to end this journey here, but we all know this concert can be the absolute best.” Deep breath before they scream. 

_“Can you guys make this the best concert?!”_

It’s slow-motion as Jeno scans the crowd curiously. It’s a full house, something that surprised all the members. They’ve rarely had a full house, not since...not since the last time Mark and Donghyuck were there.

Jeno has to fight back a wince at the thought of the names. 

They break out into a grin as the crowd finally dies down and clears their throat. “So first, we have a fan favorite! Something that means a lot to all of us. I won’t say the name; I’m pretty sure you’ll be able to guess it when we start.” Jeno stands back from the microphone stand and begins to play the beginning riffs, not even bothering to hold back the smile again as they hear the cheers.

This was what they lived for. 

This was what they’ve _always_ lived for. 

They scan the crowd again, trying to see if they recognize any of the frequenters, teeth worrying at their bottom lip. And that’s how they see them. 

Their loves. Standing in the mosh pit, arm around one another, eyes shining with either tears or body glitter, and Jeno can’t help but think _pretty pretty pretty._

And Jeno can’t help but feel a wave of mixed emotions wash over their whole body, in the form of some kind of chill that leaves them wanting, wanting _them_ in particular, and it almost constricts them.

They take a deep breath, locking eyes with Mark and Donghyuck as they strum the last notes of the song. Jeno almost has half a mind to mouth _I miss you_ into the microphone, but they have a feeling Mark and Donghyuck already know. So they only smile again, throwing up a peace sign as they let out a shaky breath.

_Hold two fingers up to yesterday. And maybe their tomorrow too._

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed this! this was easily one of the longest fics i've ever done and i don't think i was expecting it to be this long. i honestly wish i could've added a lot more jaesung to this but hey! there could be room for a sequel (if you guys are interested).  
> anyways, talk to me! let me know if you liked this or not i want to improve <33 you can also talk to me on [twt](https://twitter.com/markmiin) or [cc](http://curiouscat.me/fratjaemin)!! ily all  
> also quick thank you to [sophia](https://twitter.com/ncthusiasts), [abby](https://twitter.com/renjungay), my irl, and multiple others for dealing with me/betaing this fic as i went thru! you mean the world to me.


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